Jack this thread up with jokes...
01-24-2009, 01:09 AM
#1
Jack this thread up with jokes...
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost *****...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
I have many more, post up if you would like.
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost *****...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
I have many more, post up if you would like.
01-24-2009, 01:17 AM
#2
A little on the dirty side but still work clean.
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
01-24-2009, 09:03 AM
#3
Already posted this on its own but anyways.................
Pregnant Dumb Blonde....
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came
running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn t know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck,
and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, I have some really great news!
I said, Great. Tell me why you re so happy.
She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from
all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I
told her, That s great! I couldn t be happier for you!
Then she said, There s more.
I asked, What do you mean more ?
She said, Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew. She said....
Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart
and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
And both tests came out positive!
Pregnant Dumb Blonde....
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came
running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn t know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck,
and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, I have some really great news!
I said, Great. Tell me why you re so happy.
She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from
all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I
told her, That s great! I couldn t be happier for you!
Then she said, There s more.
I asked, What do you mean more ?
She said, Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew. She said....
Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart
and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
And both tests came out positive!
01-24-2009, 09:05 AM
#4
A little on the dirty side but still work clean.
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
01-24-2009, 09:12 AM
#5
BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! 'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. 'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. 'I took a ride on a choo choo.'
She said, 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'
She then asked little Alec what he had done. 'I read a book,' he replied. 'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, 'Winnie the ****.'
A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! 'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. 'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. 'I took a ride on a choo choo.'
She said, 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'
She then asked little Alec what he had done. 'I read a book,' he replied. 'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, 'Winnie the ****.'
01-24-2009, 09:14 AM
#6
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a
blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on
the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and
she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street.
When the truck stops for another red
light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks
on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores
her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing
happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out
of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the
window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"
When the light turns green the trucker
revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly
gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she
lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter
in New Hampshire and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
As a trucker stops for a red light, a
blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on
the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and
she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street.
When the truck stops for another red
light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks
on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores
her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing
happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out
of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the
window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"
When the light turns green the trucker
revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly
gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she
lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter
in New Hampshire and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Trending Topics
01-24-2009, 10:02 AM
#8
Yo Mama So Ugly:
she put the Boogie man outta business.
she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt
when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."
when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'
she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!
minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."
they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.
when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!
yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...
she put Marilyn Manson out of business.
she was a guard at Snake Mountain
they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...
even Harry Knowles refused to date her.
they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!
she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.
Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.
you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.
she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.
we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.
her shadow gave up.
people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...
her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.
when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.
instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.
they gave her a middle name...'accident'.
she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.
when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!
even Slicky ***** Clinton refused to sleep with her...
when she was born the Doc smacked her face.
she put the Boogie man outta business.
she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt
when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."
when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'
she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!
minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."
they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.
when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!
yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...
she put Marilyn Manson out of business.
she was a guard at Snake Mountain
they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...
even Harry Knowles refused to date her.
they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!
she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.
Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.
you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.
she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.
we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.
her shadow gave up.
people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...
her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.
when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.
instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.
they gave her a middle name...'accident'.
she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.
when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!
even Slicky ***** Clinton refused to sleep with her...
when she was born the Doc smacked her face.
01-24-2009, 10:34 AM
#9
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
01-24-2009, 10:35 AM
#10
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iTrader: (4)
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,335
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."